Expenses and Allowances: A tale of two Gnomes

I was very lonely as a single Gnome so the second Gnome Agency helped out. Down here beneath the hill it is very quiet, relieved only by the tramp of ramblers’ feet on the path high up on the ridge. The agency soon sent my second Gnome, arriving on the weekly market bus. The only fly in the waffle is that that second Gnome has a job under the Children Hundreds doing important counselling work. I have said that he might get a Children Hundred’s allowance which could split between our two grottoes. Second Gnome has a better idea however. He is going to explain the situation to his employers and say that because of our new lifestyle it would be unfortunate to say the least if our new life together has to be lived out at such a distance or in close proximity to the Children Hundreds because it would avoid being surrounded by his work mates and clients. He thinks they might have a special lifestyle grant so he can avoid them all. This would allow us to have a further grotto somewhere under Salisbury Plain so we can enjoy a proper Gnome residence. Surely they can’t be employers that would expect us to commute backwards and forwards. I thought this would be better than having a swimming pool under the hill. In any case the apartment by the Children Hundreds needs decorating and landscaping, and the toilets seats are so unfashionable.

But I have just had some bad news from the Children Hundreds. They say that if you are a couple of Gnomes then where we live is up to us. I could move in with second Gnome and our living expenses could be paid out of second Gnome’s Children Hundreds allowance. Some of his salary could then be used to keep our grotto back under the hill. They are also saying that if we want, we could sell my dear old grotto and buy somewhere ourselves under Salisbury Plain. They have apparently told second Gnome that there is no such thing as a subsidy for a lifestyle and if he doesn’t like the implications of his job he should seek employment back here. They also said that they would normally have expected a lot of extra work in the old days in view of all the trouble the political ramblers are having, but as it is, redundancy is even on the cards for second Gnome as no one ever seems to apply to them for help anymore. They also had the cheek to say, and I quote,’ ...and you think you should have a third home, think again, where do you think you are, Fairyland!?’ Dacier

Authors Note: I should make it clear that nothing in this tale should be divined as referring to any particular MP. Being an allegory it is an ‘aptly suggestive resemblance’. (O.E.D) Gnomes do not exist exist. It is only fare to point this out as there may be MPs who own between 2 and 7 homes who might think that such a fairy story could harm their reputation. I recognise their sensitivities. Far be it for me to intervene. MPs are clearly quite capable of doing that on their own. In any case, the standard mantra of the past week has been that everything is within the rules, and of course, the Gnomes are only working within the fictional rules of their fictional world. The rules which apply to MPs are perfectly clear and are not a fairytale. By their own admission MPs have complied with the following:-i) You can claim reimbursement for the expenses provided they are wholly, exclusively and necessarily incurred in the course of your Parliamentary duties, ii) You should avoid purchases which could be seen as luxurious, iii) You must ensure that arrangements for your claims are above reproach and that there can be no grounds for a suggestion of misuse of public money. Members should bear in mind the need to obtain value for money. (Parliamentary Green Book 2006). So, that’s all right then. So what’s all the fuss about?